My cup overfloweth…eth.

 

 

So our fridge has been kinda on the fritz for a while and yesterday we (mother in law and I)  finally decided to get a new one. Shouldn’t be a problem except I’ve been trying to get some of my current debt to her paid off, stay on top of current bills and stick back some for my divorce. (yeah, broken record on that, eh?) My half will be a little over $230 and while it doesn’t sound like much, in my world, it may as well be a million. I had planned on either getting my new phone and finally breaking away from her AT&T family plan or getting some of my jewelry out of the pawn shop. Well THAT obviously ain’t gonna happen (best laid plans and all that rot).

Besides all that, I still need to get my dog (well, the ex’s dog but he doesn’t even pay for the dog food. Hmph!) a hernia operation. If you’ve never seen that, it ain’t pretty but what can the poor little mutt do? That’s gonna cost $400 so I have that to save up for. The registration is due on VanDamn but that isn’t very expensive. Still and all, it’s a lot of money when you combine these things. My other issues have to do with my writing, or lack of it. See, I get ideas and then I can’t stop them once I decide I want to pursue them. So here’s what I have:

1) Auto-bio; easy enough but time consuming. I’ve resigned myself to revisiting the ugly parts of it so that’s  cool.

2) Weight loss; mostly about my struggle or more accurately, why I don’t give a rat’s patootie and the role depression and life crisis can play with losing it.

3) Unread emails to my parents (both deceased) because sometimes, I can “hear” their answers to my questions and then I’m okay. When we hurt, we most often want to talk to mom or dad…or both.

Those are the three books I’m working on all at the same time. How you say? Well for me, it’s rather easy because all three are interconnected. If you get a sense of deja vu by me mentioning them it’s okay. I’m quite sure I’ve mentioned them in an earlier blog post or two. If you sit and think about the nature of all three though, you can begin to see not only how they “go” together but the why as well. It’s just how I deal with things. I also have a leather bound journal for my most heartfelt and at times, angry emotions and observations. For the really ugly stuff, I have a completely separate e-journal with a special password. Lots of stuff in there isn’t very Christian but I never claimed to be a good one. Just that I AM one.

I’ve been told the book of James is a good one to read when life goes awry. Read it. Didn’t help. I started Proverbs as well. Hasn’t helped. Moving on to Psalms and see what that does. The truth of the matter is, it’s becoming very hard to balance all these emotions and before you even ask, the answer is yes; I DO pray. All I can do is ask for grace and favour.  I still wanna smack the snot out of something but again, this is why I blog and let the vast world populace “read” my life. It’s all I can do and the other day, my son and I went to the store and I actually teared up. I know it makes him uncomfortable and I told him that. But I also told him I bear a great deal of responsibility, uncertain of the length or permanence of this job and therefore, a short amount of time to get a lot done. He’s young yet (18) but he sees what goes on here and he understands how and why my mood can shift so quick. It ain’t always the menopause what does it,  my friends.

To top it all off, I haven’t been to a church service since Christmas Eve and I feel SO guilty! I’ve been trying to work as much overtime as possible, Saturdays included. Since I don’t get off til midnight, I go in at noon and work the rest of the afternoon til 4 or 5.  Service is at 5:30 but it’s quite a drive from the office to my church. So I’ve just been coming home. I hope God can forgive me because I’m having a hard time forgiving myself. And last Thursday, my allergies got so bad I had to leave work at 11:30pm. I was supposed to work til 1am. It didn’t happen. When my ears started to ring, I knew I had to leave.  I’m feeling pretty good today, though I still have a little of the nasal congestion. One of the managers said my face was a bit gray and had not much color so for those of you who think allergies can’t make you REALLY hurt, I’m here to tell you they CAN.

But here’s what I’ve decided: if I give in to all this mess, I just get worse, lose focus and my life unravels. I can’t let that happen. I got plans y’all. BIG plans. Matter of fact, I have a memo on my BlackBerry specifically called GAME PLAN, for my future away from this house and on my own. If my cup is overflowing and not in a good way, it’s up to me to clean it up. With God’s help, of course. We can only do so much and I have to learn to follow my own advice in that area. My bit of good news is that my contract at my job has been extended til Feb. 17th so that’ll be a nice birthday gift! (it’s on the 19th, if you were curious). If you don’t hear from me, don’t fret. I’m still here and I still have a pulse. I’m either sleeping, working or working things out. But I’m here.

Until next time…

  & hair grease, y’all!

 

 

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