Another one bites the dust

Thanksgiving, that is.  Been one heck of a day, not all of it good. At any rate,  the leftover dinner is in the fridge, everyone has had their piece of pie and we’ve long since excused ourselves to the comfort and privacy of our own separate rooms. The day has ended on a more positive note than it began and for that, I’m very thankful. I don’t know what it is about the holidays that makes people argue, fuss and act like total idiots but whatever “it” is, our house wasn’t skipped this year.

My morning started with a nice little tiff with my mother in law, then it was my son, then the mother in law again (she had a comment to make about me and my son arguing) and my son finally  just went to his room and stayed there. Mind you, she was correct in telling my son that he needs to be more respectful toward me but if she had just been quiet a few seconds longer, she would’ve heard me and my son actually talking to each other in a rational manner and tone. See, this is part of my problem. Yes…my son and I can be rather nasty to each other at times. Yes…it DOES get old to hear it. However, sometimes, you need to just leave it alone and let it play out. It’s hard to explain since you don’t have first hand knowledge but trust me when I tell you that there are times when she just has to voice her opinion whether it’s wanted or not. Luckily, the ex wasn’t home at the time or he would’ve had to come join the mix too. And THAT, my friends, is part of the problem.

Now before you start thinking I’ve gone all negative, let me assure you that I haven’t. I just want one holiday where there are no arguments, nobody has to be right and every now and then,  we zip our lip and move  past whatever the trivial issue was. This is a fractured household to be sure. I’ve been blogging about it for over a year now. I’ve tried to rise above the pettiness and be more Christian, a WWJD type, if you will. My brother gave me that advice and for the most part, I try to live by that. But the ugly truth is this: the longer I have to live here, the more cynical I become and the less I want to be around these people I’ve known and at times, loved the past 19 years.

My son didn’t feel like he could sit at the table with his mamaw, myself and his father without some kind of incident so he chose to have a Thanksgiving meal at his buddy’s house early in the day before we had our dinner ready. When our dinner was ready about 4 pm, he said he’s already eaten and so she went to get his plate off the table, a little of a disgusted laugh and said “he’s a joke”. I called her out on it but did so politely. What kind of  crap is that?? If he doesn’t want to be here and cause a scene, who cares?

Eventually, she forgot all about that as did we all. But I still sat there with her and my ex (soon to be, remember?) so it wouldn’t seem like an “us & them” sort of situation. I’m a peacekeeper, like my mother so I figured it was the right thing to do. Here’s another ugly truth: I didn’t want to sit at the table or anywhere near my ex.  I don’t want to look at him sometimes and don’t give a rat’s arse what he does. We do still have a humorous exchange every now and then and we do talk but for the most part, I don’t want to be here anymore.

I liken it to what my friend Kathie says about being in DC after a while; y’know, the city has a way of insidiously seeping into your whole being and you shed a bit of who you were in favor of your surroundings? It’s sad to say (I mean when you’re unwittingly affected by your environment) but if nothing else, I’m honest.  Too much so at times, but there it is. I feel that if I stay here, I’ll shed all the progress I’ve made in growing as a person in favor of the less than optimistic, always-an-issue environs here at home. (at least it seems that way to me)  I don’t want that, nor do I need it. I feel like when my son and I are able to leave, my mood will elevate to something better and more positive and I won’t worry about who I piss off on that day or someone ate the leftover whatever-it-is or my mother in law saying “now what’s this shit??”  Yes, she really does say that.

See, I have mixed feelings about her as well but I do care about her. She can’t be happy knowing her 47 yr. old son is perfectly happy to sit in his room, talk on IMVU, chat up his female friends on Skype and play video games when he’s not working. If he wanted more from his life or to help with hers, he’d go out and try harder. But he doesn’t. And she doesn’t ask him to either. I can’t be around that and with the smattering of arguments in the house today, all these things came flooding to my mind and gave me even more resolve to kick butt at work and get myself the heck outta here before I completely lose the happy person inside that I just found. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer y’all but I have to get these awful feelings out of my system or I’ll blow up…not really but it sounded good, huh?  ;  )    NOW you understand why I need my church so badly. I may not attend regularly but when I do, I feel more at peace internally and am better able to deal with the daily drama at home.

The night ended with me and my son and a friend of his talking and laughing at King of the Hill on tv. That’s nice. I really enjoy those moments so lest you think this entire post is just me grousing it’s not. Well okay, yeah, it is but still. It’s very late and my son is snoozing on my bed now after taking his friend home. Incidentally, it’s the same one he shared dinner with earlier. They’re both good kids and have similar situations but it was SO nice to see my son smile and laugh with me. How could I not want to see more of that? As a woman, I just want something for me, after raising the husband and the kid. As a mother, I want my son to be happier than he has been the past 2 yrs. that his father and I have been officially “separated”.  But I’m thankful for whatever moments I get to share with him, even when he’s being a jerk. That’s just how it goes and no child is good all the time. Perhaps we both need to be thankful we have each other. When it comes down to it,   I’ve got his back and I know he’s got mine. I thank God that He blessed me with my son and as has been the norm for most of his young life, he’s been the one constant (God is a given) in my life and even I can’t stay mad at him forever. He makes me smile, proud to be his mom and hopeful for the future. But as for this year and this Thanksgiving, another one has bitten the dust and I’m happily moving on and eagerly looking forward to Christmas…my favorite time of the year.

Until next time…

  & hair grease, y’all!


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kathie Truitt
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 21:04:17

    I really, really do think you’re on the verge of making a big change. Hang in there! I can feel it!


  2. randomlady65
    Dec 03, 2011 @ 17:55:44

    Thank you SO, so much Kathie! I think change is on the wind as well. Just gotta be patient. : )


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