Ummm…a word please??

I had a nice, incendiary diatribe in my head, all ready to go, about the lack of my family being supportive (that includes the mom-in-law, the soon-to-be ex and my son) and was going to lambaste all the people of the universe who don’t understand that you can’t always take the optimism someone gives you and never give back…aaaand then two very sweet and dear friends sent me the kindest words. Haven’t had tears like that in a very long time. I can brace myself for most anything adverse that might happen in my life and yet was undone by the words I needed to hear more than anything. And I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

To some, it may be that I was “fishing” for those words but let me assure you, I was not. I’m pretty much my own cheerleader because like Dolly Parton said “If you don’t toot your own horn, nobody’s gonna hear you comin’!”  I just needed to know someone was in my corner for a couple jobs that would allow me to work from home for a decent wage, doing what I love…writing. So when I asked my son to keep his fingers crossed for me, he stuffed his head (face down) into his pillow with a rather perturbed sigh; as if I dared to intrude upon his kingdom of chaos known as his bedroom. (I’m never sure if there’s an ankle biting creature in there amongst the clothes on the floor etc., waiting for an unfamiliar scent like mine before it makes its presence known. It’s a crapshoot entering a teenaged boy’s room y’all)

You see, there are like, a bazillion sites out there in the blogosphere and just as many folks who want to get paid for what they do. They believe in what they’re doing. So do I. But sometimes, you just get a fire that burns your soul and feel as if you’ll go stark raving mad if you can’t find some sort of direction for it. Well that’s how I feel about writing. Daily.

In Letters To a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke received a letter from Franz Kappus, a 19 yr. old military school student, who wanted advice on becoming a writer. Their correspondence lasted from 1902 to 1908 because Rilke saw a little of himself in Kappus’ letters. And so when Kappus asked if his stuff was any good, if he could really make it as a writer, this was Rilke’s response:

[You’re asking the wrong questions!] There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity….”

And so this blog serves as my starting point with writing. I do have a manuscript started and saved on a thumb drive but lately, I just haven’t felt like adding much to it. One should never accomplish a task either in anger or sadness because then we’re driven by emotion and not lucid thought.  If you go back and look at the older posts, I was a pretty angry ol’ broad! LOL  I’ve obviously moved on but it hasn’t always been easy. Even someone with a seemingly easy life has a speed bump or two…just how the order of the universe works.  We all have different coping mechanisms though and blogging is mine. When I don’t feel I can talk to anyone else about how and what I’m feeling, I add a post to my blog and then I’m cool.

I’m not trying to be all Debbie Downer y’all, I just think we should all be encouraging where we can and stop this perpetual pessimist train so many have been riding for so long. It’s okay to be a skeptic and all but I think the world and some of its inhabitants have become quite blase and either overlook or undervalue things they shouldn’t. Y’know, it IS possible to be a bit of a boho type and still have one’s head on straight. I like to think I’m one of those types. I had great parents, though they divorced when I was about 11 or 12. But they were present when I needed them and badgered me constantly about living the right way and doing the right thing. Didn’t always happen and I stumbled through alot of avenues in my life. But I firmly believe in all the values and tools my parents imbued in me.

So instead of saying something really nasty to my family, I would say this to each of them:

My mother-in-law: I know you had a crap childhood and have trust issues but you’re not the only one. Somewhere in   the world, someone had a crappier childhood than you did and yet they somehow manage to find a positive attitude to begin their day and not always think in a cynical fashion. I’m truly sorry your own mother was such a piece of work (not in a good way) but you need to learn how to accept the love and affection I try to give you before I stop trying altogether. Sometimes I need some reciprocation from you too, or had you never thought about that? That’s not a good thing and SO not the way mama raised me. For once, just give in and let someone be good to you, okay?

My ex-husband (or soon to be, anyway) : Yes, I realize you finally got your priorities in order but for me, it was too little, too late. I needed honesty, even at the risk of my own pain. And you weren’t always forthcoming. Sorry but it’s true. I know I took vows and I honestly meant them. I just don’t think you were ready to be what I needed. What I need from you now is the support of a good friend, and above all else, we remain good friends. A sincere “Atta girl!” every now and then wouldn’t be bad. Just sayin’…

My son: I know you’re still young and “finding” yourself , I get that. Could you try to think about the way you respond to people though? Especially me.  I’m not asking for you to be patronizing (nor anyone else, for that matter) but I would appreciate a lot more respect than what I’ve been getting. I’m not supposed to be your buddy but we have a pretty good relationship as a mother and son. Your dad hasn’t always been available to you, whether it be physically present or trying to take an interest in things that YOU like. However, I have been and will continue to be ’cause that’ s what moms do. Slow your roll for like, a second and realize that I champion you in most of your endeavors because I’m truly interested in your life. Since the time I realized I was pregnant with you, I talked to you, played music for you in the womb to calm you down and you were all I had. Still are. I loved you then as I love you now but if the situation were reversed and you were the one who needed a random hug or a speck of encouragement to fuel your self-esteem “tank”,  how would it make you feel to get nothing?

I’m honestly not trying to be preachy here, to my family or to John Q. Public, but we seriously need to think before we speak. It’s got nothing to do with walking on eggshells and everything to do with manners and common courtesy. Perhaps if we tried a little harder to just be decent to one another, we wouldn’t need the pharmaceutical companies to inundate us with all their synthetic “cures” that only prolong the inevitable: coming to terms with our own behavior and finding a better way to cope than dosing ourselves. Admittedly, there are extenuating circumstances for many individuals but you get the gist of what I’m feebly attempting to say…right?  If nothing else, remember this: God don’t like ugly.  So let’s try not to be ‘ugly’ to each other. I’m willing if you are. Until next time…

   & hair grease, y’all!!

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