Wreckage from my past

So I logged on to my Facebook account after my son returned my laptop (he was downloading mp3 for his iPhone) and saw a friend request. I was kinda happy because I wasn’t sure who it might be. To my surprise, it was my first husband’s sister. What the…??? I started to get a little nervous because she might have him on her friend list and that’s the LAST person I want to be in my life, I don’t care HOW long it’s been!

Being the resourceful person I am, I clicked on her Friends list and thankfully, I was able to access her list. Sure enough, there he was. No picture but I didn’t really care. I went back to her wall and started clicking on photos she posted and found a picture of him from last year. He hasn’t changed much, other than the grey in his little beard and the glasses on his face. Maybe I’m not as forgiving as I should be but I never claimed to be the best Christian, only that I have an unshakable faith and I know God is looking out for me, as He has all my life.

That being said, I don’t even want to be friends with the person who smacked the back of my hands to stop me from picking at my cuticles til they were bloody. The person who threatened to knock me out if I didn’t shut up (saying something he didn’t want me to expound upon). The person who choke slammed me against the kitchen cupboard because he had a bad day at work and I talked to him the wrong way. (I have a witness for that particular incident)

I had to forgive him long ago in order to move on with my life and not be held captive by my fear that he would find me and hurt me or my family. Even though I’m getting divorced for the second time, I can safely say that my soon to be ex would defend me and this home against any and all who would try to do us harm.  My son helped me block  Ex #1 and his sister but me being me, I signed up for a people search site for $1.49 so I could see the last address where he lived. Now how crazy is THAT? Fear does funny things to a person and although I’m a heckuva lot less afraid than I was in 1993 when I divorced him, I won’t let my guard down simply because there’s a remote chance he’s mellowed with age.

If I ever get my stupid auto-bio finished, there’s more to the story for you to read. Trust me when I say I’m much better served to leave it be and not open that door again. The only one who I need to worry about forgiving me for my hard heart (where Ex #1 is concerned anyway) is God and pretty sure He understands why.

For those of you who can relate to these feelings or any of the things I mentioned, we’re all in a sisterhood and because of that fact, know that you are loved, validated and have my undying support.


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