Stormy weather

No, this isn’t what’s happening outside. This is what’s what’s happening inside…of me. I’ve always liked stormy weather, though I don’t know why. Something about it just doesn’t scare me and seems oddly comforting. Ever had sooo much going on in your head that your thoughts  just swirl around like a gigantic maelstrom?  Well that would be a fairly accurate description of how I feel right now. To be more colloquial/profane, I don’t know whether to sh*t or go blind.

A lot has happened over the past several months, some of which I’ve groused about in a couple of my posts. As I said, I am still on good terms with my “ex” but it’s just not that easy to live in the same house with him and his mother. I kinda don’t mind her too awful much, though two alpha females in one house can be a bit…tense. But the dynamic between me, my “ex” and our son is all wonky lately. I’m sure we all remember how hard it was to be 17 but being a teenager and having to try and deal with his parents eventual divorce and current odd living arrangements…well, that’s almost more than one young man should have to bear. But he’s never been your average, everyday kind of kid.

For most of my married life (with this husband), my “ex” hasn’t been a constant in our son’s life nor mine for that matter. Oh sure, he’s spent time with his progeny but not like he should have in my opinion. I willingly stayed home with our son while he was either playing a gig (used to have a band), at band practice or “away” because he didn’t abide by the terms of his “agreement”. Fast forward to 2005 when we moved into this house. We were here a whole 25 days before he went…”away” again, this time for 19 months. And that was when the resentment started building within me. I just couldn’t help it. After 13 yrs. of always sticking by him and having faith in him, waiting on him to finally do the right thing and be responsible with and for his life, I just gave in and let the bitterness and resentment wash over me in waves.

So we fast forward again to May of 2007 when he’s finally home after being “away” for a year and a half. The damage was already done and I had little interest in us physically being together or being married anymore. Don’t get me wrong, we did have good moments and we did still love each other but you can’t force something that isn’t completely felt like in the good ol’ days when the relationship was new. Whoever said or even thinks you can rewind to that period in your life as a couple is either full of sh*t or they’re doing something on the side their partner knows nothing about. There are exceptions so I will concede that. But it has to be a mutual expectation and effort on both parts…and I wasn’t feelin’ it.

So here I am, 45 years old and forced to live here, with my “ex” and his mother because 1) I’m unemployed 2) I have no savings 3) his mother is on a fixed income and can’t afford the mortgage and all the monthly bills on her own. We all share expenses but as I said in one of my earlier posts, I made the lion’s share of the income most of our married life so if I left, even if I could afford to, the “ex” doesn’t earn enough to cover his share plus what I’ve been paying all these years. To think about it while I’m writing this still irks me so that would be a good indication that he and I are much better served to be friends (yes, it is possible if you want it) living in the same house. Here’s the thing though: I can’t see him ever getting away from his mother and that isn’t necessarily a good thing. And I’ll tell you why…

I’ve been the one to take care of paying the bills when we were on our own. Once his mom came back into the picture, I give her cash for my part of whatever is owed, as does he. The problem? I know how to cut corners and pay a little of this and a little of that; he doesn’t since he’s never been the responsible party. Hence, if I leave and God forbid, something happens to his mother, what the heezy is he gonna do??  So I’ve made it a point to teach my son about my system of paying bills, balancing a checkbook, how to keep collectors off your butt by being proactive with your debts, etc.  I do my best and hopefully, he’s retained some of that and can use it when he gets a place of his own.

Now, for the other part of my inner turmoil: I really, really like someone but can’t be with that person right now. We do talk but I am still legally married and regardless of what has transpired between me and my “ex”, I won’t do that to him. It’s just not right. Can’t say the same for him though but it doesn’t matter. I guess you could say I like this person enough to feel a bit lovesick…yes, that would be the largest contributing factor to my mélancolie. For the most part though, it’s a combination of all the above and I will deal with it. How?  I guess I’m just comfortable with stormy weather. ‘Til next time…

   & hair grease y’all!

UPDATE:  8/30/2010- Okay, so the “ex” got a better paying job so as far as his ability to pay his share, I may be remiss in my earlier assessment. We’ll see.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: